[Archived] Friday Funnies

[Jim J]

Yo' Momma is so fat, that when she was cremated all the flights in Europe got cancelled!!

[Ewood and I Would]

Whats better than being a historic pioneer of womens rights?

Being a man.

The version I heard was....

Q. What's better than wining a gold medal at the Paralympics?

A. Not being disabled

[neekoy]

The version I heard was....

Q. What's better than wining a gold medal at the Paralympics?

A. Not being disabled

A. Walking

[Presty On Tour]

Man United have signed a new striker from Nigeria.

On his first day of training, Fergie picked up the ball and said 'BALL' then pointed at the goal and said 'Goal. Then he demonstrated a kicking motion and said 'Kick' understand, 'Kick ball, goal, GOOOOOAAAALLL!'

Eventually the young African plucks up courage to say "Excuse me Mr Ferguson but I speak very good English", to which Fergie replies ' Sit down son, I'm talking to Berbatov.'

[BlueMonday]

A couple are driving home when they hit a badger crossing the road.

They get out to find it still breathing, but shaking from shock.

Husband says, "We'll take it to the vets. Get in the car and put it between your

legs to warm it up".

"I can't!" the wife says,"Its all wet and stinks".

"Well", says the Husband, "You'll just need to hold its nose!"

[Mc Love]

[Mc Love]

[cletus]

I`m glad Ding has been knocked out of the snooker. Every time the commentator said his name i thought my tea was ready!

[bazza]

  

     A Yorkshire guy is travelling

around the Greek Islands

     

   He walks into a bar and by chance

is served by a Yorkshire barmaid. 

As she takes his order of a pint of

Tetley Bitter she notices his accent .

 

 Over the course of the evening, they get chatting.  At the end of her shift he asks if she wants to come back to his place and although she is attracted to him, she say no.

   

     He then offers to pay her £200 to sleep with him.  As she is travelling  around the world, and is short of funds, she agrees.

     

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Tetley's and, after showing her plenty of attention, asks if she will sleep with him again for £200 .

     

 She remembers the payout from the night before and is only too happy to agree. 

     

This goes on for 5 nights.

On the 6th night the guy comes in again, orders Tetley's but goes and sits in the corner.

     

The barmaid thinks that if she pays him more attention then, maybe, she can shake some more cash out of him.

     

  So she goes over and sits next to him.  She asks him where he's from in Yorkshire .

     

  ‘Leeds’ he tells her.

     

 ‘So am I, what suburb?’ She enquires. 

     

‘Headingley’ he replies. 

   

   ‘That's amazing’ she says excitedly, ‘so am I - what street?’ 

   

 ‘Boycott Street’ he replies. 

   

‘That is unbelievable....’ She says, her voice quivering. ‘What number?’ 

     

 ‘Number 20 he replies. 

   

 She is totally astonished.

‘You are not going to believe this’ she 

screams, ‘but I'm from number 22!

 My parents still live there’. 

     

 

 ‘I know’ he says,

‘Your Dad gave me £1,000 to give to you’ 

   

   

      

[cletus]

A Yorkshire couple arrived at their holiday villa in Spain.

Whilst making the evening meal, the woman discovered she`d forgotten to pack the gravy granules.

"Don`t worry thissen love..." said the Yorkshireman "Ah`ll nip o`er tert thinglish folk int villa opposite an ask em if we can av some"

He arrives at the villa opposite & knocks on the door. The door opens & the english occupant says "Hello, can i help you?"

The Yorkshireman asks "Ast thi any bisto?"

The englishman looks bemused & says "Sorry i don`t speak Spanish"

[JC4LAB]

An old Bernard Manning special but his punch Line was ..F*** you Spanish ***

[DeadlyDirk]

A bloke walks into a pub and sees an old man sat in the corner with a sign that reads 'Ferret for Sale'. Intrigued he goes over to ask why he is sat in a pub selling a ferret? The old man replies, 'Because this is the kind of ferret every man would love, I guarantee you it will give you the best blow job of your life, take it for a try if you want.'

The bloke thinks he must be having him on but like any man he can't resist a free blow job so he takes it off to the toilet and returns just moments later with an excited look on his face. 'You weren't lying were you, that was amazing, I'll buy it right now!'

Pleased with his new purchase the bloke walks home from the pub to find his wife waiting for him at home. She asks him, 'What the hell are you doing with that ferret?'.

The bloke tells her the story about how it gives the best blowjob ever and how he couldn't resist buying it. His wife then asks, 'Well what do you want me to do with it?'

The bloke replies, 'Teach it too cook and then feck off!'

[Presty On Tour]

[cletus]

Three men have been charged with Britain's biggest jewellery robbery.

It's believed they stole Dawn French's ankle bracelet.

[DeadlyDirk]

Nigel Winterburn is an excellent defensive coach.

[cletus]

I`m Thomas Crapper......& not excreting out of windows was my idea

[Hannah]

[Grabbi Graeme]

The disgraced former world snooker champion John Higgins has hung up his cue and taken up a job offer from specsavers. A spokesman for specsavers said he was delighted to have John onboard as nobody can fix frames the way he can.

[BlueMonday]

A man walks into a tattoo parlour and asks for a tattoo of a beautiful woman...

'Where do you want it?' asks the tattooist.

ON MY WIFES FACE PLEASE!

[bazza]

Not long to await the World Cup now,

Here are some early team selections, no surprises with the German squad !!

The following squads have just been announced for the 2010 World Cup.....

BRAZILIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

Pinnochio

Libero

Vimto Memento Borneo Tango

Cheerio Subbuteo

Scenario Fellatio

Portfolio

SUBS:

Placebo

Porno

Polio

Banjo

Brasso

Stereo (L)

Stereo ®

Hydrochlorofluoro

Aristotle

Computersezno

YUGOSLAVIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

Itch

Annoyingitch Hardtoreachitch Scratchanitch

Hic Sic Spic Pric

Digaditch Fallinaditch

Horseraditch

SUBS:

Mowapitch

Letsgetrich

Shagabitch

RUSSIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

Whodyanicabolicov

Ticlycov Chesticov Nasticov

Slalomsky Downhillsky

Risky Swedishshev Mastershev

(Please don't use that word again)ov U (Please don't use that word again)ov

SUBS:

Rubitov

Gechakitov

Sodov

Pastryshev

Najinsky

Ivorripabollockov

Taykitov

ROMANIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

Chatanoogaciouciou

Atishiou Blessiou Thankyiou

Busqueue Snookercu

Pennyciou Twoapennyciou Fourapennyciou

I'llgetciou Youandwhosarmi

SUBS:

U

NonU

ManU

Stuffyiou

Lee Kwan Yu

DANISH SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

Toomanigoalssen

Tryandstopussen Crapdefenssen Haveagossen

Firstsson Seccondsson

Thirdsson

Legshurtssen Notroubleseeingussen

Wherestheballssen Getthebeerssen

SUBS:

Howmanygoalsisthatssen

Finallygaveupcountinssen

Hurryupandblowthewhistlessen

Yourelatedtoalexfergusonssen

ITALIAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

Baloni

Potbelli Beerbelli Giveitsumwelli

Wotsontelli Yrarseissmelli Onetoomani

Legslikejelli Havabenni

Wobblijelli Spendapenni

SUBS:

Cantthinkofani!!!

Buggermi

MEXICAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

San Francisco

Costa Brava Hopelez Juan Andonly

Manuel Gearbox

Don Criformi-Argentina Skrewdigalz Luis Canon Sombrero

Chihuahua Jose

SUBS:

Jesus Maria Don Key

Burrito

Speedy Gonzalez

Tequila

Caramba

DUTCH SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

Kenning van Hire

Van Diemansland Van der Valk Van Gard Van Erealdizeez

Ad van Tagus Hertz van Rental Transit van Dors

Van Coova Van Sprokendown Aye van Hoe

SUBS:

Van Iller

Van Ishincreme

Van Morrison

Two players who are not included are Russian hard-man Sendimov, who will be serving a three-month suspension, and the hard-working Mexican midfielder, Manuel Labor.

There is no place in the Dutch squad for les bian tranny, Dick van Dyke.

The young Dutch star Per Vert has been excluded from the squad, after he was discovered in the back streets of Amsterdam with his finger in a dyke.

GERMAN SQUAD FOR WORLD CUP 2010

KUNTS

KUNTS KUNTS KUNTS KUNTS

KUNTS KUNTS KUNTS KUNTS

KUNTS

KUNTS

SUBS:

KUNTS

KUNTS

KUNTS

KUNTS

KUNTS

KUNTS

[Grabbi Graeme]

A friend told me his wife left him taking with her his Bob Marley CD's and the satellite dish.

So now he has No Woman No Sky

[SouthAussieRover]

A refuse collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.

There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually a Chinaman comes to the door.

"Harro!" says the Chinese man.

"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the little foreign fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.

"No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the man, still perplexed..

"Listen," says the collector. "Youre misunderstanding me. Where's your 'wheelie bin?'"

"OK, OK. " replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wirra wifes sista!"

[Ozz]

Where's the best place in London for Klingons to go bird spotting ?

[adopted scouser]

Where's the best place in London for Klingons to go bird spotting ?

Took me all bloody night you monkey

Canary Worf ?

[Ozz]

Well done.