[Archived] Friday Funnies

[dave birch]

I don't know whether this has been posted, but it's funny.

Watch how 2 Scottish blokes deal with voice recognition technology in an elevator!!

launch and page down to the picture of the guys and play.

http://singularityblog.singularitysymposium.com/the-perils-of-voice-recognition-technology/ <http://singularityblog.singularitysymposium.com/the-perils-of-voice-recognition-technology/>

[SouthAussieRover]

I don't know whether this has been posted, but it's funny.

Watch how 2 Scottish blokes deal with voice recognition technology in an elevator!!

launch and page down to the picture of the guys and play.

http://singularityblog.singularitysymposium.com/the-perils-of-voice-recognition-technology/ <http://singularityblog.singularitysymposium.com/the-perils-of-voice-recognition-technology/>

Cheers Dave.

The whole office have just been in stitches.

[cletus]

The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning. "It's good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly struggling and facing the impossible" said Jamal Umboto aged 6

[neekoy]

Rob Green has trained today and in 3 hours had 4,000 shots fired at him and he did not concede a single goal, tomorrow he and Heskey will train with the rest of the squad

[Sandiway Blue]

Mr.Capello went to a brothel last night.....

Tart:"what can i do for you love?"

Capello:"I want you to humiliate me"

Tart:"no problem love that will be £44 please"

Capello:"that sounds too cheap to be true,what do i get for my money?"

Tart:"an England shirt...."

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oxo are bringing out a new stock cube specially for the World cup,the cube will be white with a red cross all over it......

Its called the laughing stock.

[DeadlyDirk]

Matjaz Kek and Favio Capello were recently interviews by the media regarding their hopes for the tournament ahead of the upcoming game.

When asked of his team's chances Fabio said, 'Well it's been tough so far but hopefully we can battle against Slovenia and scrape through with a 1-0 victory and then we'll take every game as it comes.'

Matjaz Kez when asked said, 'Well we should beat England pretty comfortably, anything less than 4-0 would be a disappointment, then it doesn't really matter who we play, we'll win every game 5-0 and win the World Cup without even getting into second gear, after that we'll probably dominate World Football for years to come.'

The journalist then asked Mr Kez if he thought he was perhaps being a little too optimistic??

'Well Fabio started it!!!!' He replied.

[BlueMonday]

These are extracts of actual enteries in Patients Medical records:

Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year....

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared...

The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me 1993...

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch...

She was numb from her toes down...

While in Casualty she was examined, x-rated and sent home...

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches...

Rectal examination revealed a normal size Thyroid...

He stated that he had been constipated for most of his life, until he got a divorce...

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation...

Examination of the genitalia reveals he is circus sized...

The lab test indicated normal lover function...

The patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities...

When she fainted her eyes rolled around the room...

Between you and me we should be able to get this lady pregnant...

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in different directions in early December...

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stock broker instead...

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airpane ran out of fuel and crashed...

[philipl]

This Gail Collins piece in the New York Times had me chuckling out loud:

Get short, timely messages from Gen. Stanley McChrystal on Twitter:

DAY 1

In Paris with my Kabul posse — Bluto, Otter, Boon, Pinto, Flounder. Plus some newbie. Guys call him Scribbles.

∗

Suite’s getting pretty crowded. Good thing I sleep standing up.

∗

Three hours of shuteye and back to work. Have to read every report — check the details! Like I told Scribbles. The little fellow’s a fan.

DAY 2

Stuck going to dinner w/ some damned French minister. Gang riding me big. Bluto says they will make me eat snails. Hell of a funny guy, Bluto.

∗

Restaurant — ultra-Gucci. No Bud Light Lime. Damn. Wish I was on foot patrol in Kandahar.

∗

Minister yammering diplomatic bull. I’d rather have my ass kicked by a roomful of people. As if they could. LOL

∗

Still talking. Better at this diplomatic stuff than I used to be. Learned a lot in last few years. Like, don’t mention “mission failure.”

∗

Whoops. Mentioned “mission failure.” Don’t think the minister noticed.

∗

Steak comes covered in some goop. Miss my gruel.

∗

Dinner’s over. Ran 12 miles.

DAY 3

Missus is here! Hell of a surprise. Turns out it’s our 33rd wedding anniversary.

∗

Wife wants the gang out of the hotel room. Women. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them for more than 11 months at a time.

∗

Time for anniversary dinner. Does this country never stop eating?

∗

Night starts on a bad note — McDonald’s won’t let Pinto and Otter bring in the Tequiza. Damn. Wanted to show Missus a good time.

∗

Comeback kids found a bar next to the hotel. Wiped the Gucci drink specials off the chalkboard and we are diagramming up a storm.

∗

Team America is partying! Bluto’s doing his impression of Joe Biden. Scribbles taped whole thing — get ready for laughs when we get home.

DAY 4

Spent the morning e-mailing back and forth with Kabul. They can’t get Karzai to come out of his room again.

∗

Hanging out at a cafe. We’re shooting the breeze about the dingbat diplomatic corps. Except Hillary.

∗

Pinto reminds me how intimidated Obama looked around the generals. Yeah, but the guy really trusts my judgment.

∗

Found Scribbles sitting in potted plant next to our table. Kid must like nature.

DAY 5

Said goodbye to the Missus. Great gal. Can’t wait to see her again once the war is over.

∗

Berlin’s the next stop, but that damn Iceland volcano has everything grounded. Can’t believe Europeans are afraid to fly in a little ash.

∗

Got another e-mail from Holbrooke.

∗

Bluto does his riff about Holbrooke as a crippled impala & I’m the lion. Scribbles really digging it.

∗

Great news — we’ve got a bus to take us to Berlin. Nothing but Team America and a luggage rack crammed with Bud Light Lime.

∗

Scribbles wants to come, too. Told him only if he buys the next two cases.

∗

ROAD TRIP!!!!

[adopted scouser]

No more ash clouds from Iceland, but there are reports of a shower of sh1t on it's way from South Africa

[Grabbi Graeme]

What do you get when you cross a goal line, with a football?

According to Fifa, nothing.

In the jungle, South African jungle

Three lions sleep tonight

Cos in the morning, the early morning

They have to catch a flight

A win no way, a win no way

A win no way, a win no way

Mick McCarthy. There's a man who could make poetry sound like a list of building materials.

North Korea, just scored...

they're playing like their lives depe.... oh wait a minute.

So people are saying that Lampard's 'goal' makes up for 1966.

If we're working on that basis, give me 6 million Germans and a gas canister.

[T4E]

One for SteB -

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Burnley win the premier league."

"You crafty ####!" said the fairy.

[DeadlyDirk]

One for SteB -

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."

"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Burnley win the premier league."

"You crafty ####!" said the fairy.

Most enjoyable

[Grabbi Graeme]

I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"?

Bloody firemen.

When my wife went to hospital to give birth, they laid her on the bed, took off her clothes, pumped her full of drugs and told her it wouldn't hurt.

Which made me laugh, because that's exactly how I got her pregnant in the first place.

I can understand them being upset, but c'mon...

They were never Ghana win it.

I was driving down a dark country lane when I shunted the car in front at a junction.

The lady got out and yelled, "I don't believe this... fancy ramming me up the arse."

And this, your honour, is where the misunderstanding started...

[adopted scouser]

I can't stand those interfering people who bang on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn"?

Bloody firemen.

When my wife went to hospital to give birth, they laid her on the bed, took off her clothes, pumped her full of drugs and told her it wouldn't hurt.

Which made me laugh, because that's exactly how I got her pregnant in the first place.

I can understand them being upset, but c'mon...

They were never Ghana win it.

I was driving down a dark country lane when I shunted the car in front at a junction.

The lady got out and yelled, "I don't believe this... fancy ramming me up the arse."

And this, your honour, is where the misunderstanding started...

Sickipedia at this hour, tut tut

[Grabbi Graeme]

Sickipedia at this hour, tut tut

[bazza]

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realising that ‘iTouch Kids’ is not a good product name….

My wife told me I was no longer romantic so I booked a table for the two of us on Valentine's Night. Problem was she's rubbish at snooker….

You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools….

[T4E]

You can say what you like about deaf people.

[adopted scouser]

Manchester City have officially bid £45m for Raoul Moat.

They've no idea who he is but they've heard everyone's after him.

[adopted scouser]

Police follow, Moat ahead.

Strange Glastonbury line up

[Aberdeen Blue]

Northumbria Police has announced that if nobody claims the £10,000 reward for information by 20:00hrs tonight they are going to double it.

They are calling it a Raoul over..........

They also beive that Moat has a midget accomplice. A police spokesman said they were searching high and low......

[Tango]

What's the difference between Raul Moat and Ashley Cole?

Raul Moat is still in a Geordie bush.

[JC4LAB]

Passed through Burnley the other day.. saw a sign in a window which said "Happy 30th Gran!"..

[Presty On Tour]

[Al]

BBC News - Dragons Den star James Caan has called upon people to donate more aid to the victims of the Pakistan flood disaster.

An interesting pitch James but I'm not sure that I'm going to see a return on my investment. I wish you the best of luck but for that reason I'M OUT.

[Grabbi Graeme]

Voted the funniest joke at the Edinburgh Festival.

Tim Vine: I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.