[Archived] Friday Funnies

[Amo]

Voted the funniest joke at the Edinburgh Festival.

Tim Vine: I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

Must have been a pretty slow year. This is my dad's favourite joke:

There was a new bartender in town. One night, a man ran into the bar and screamed, "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES, BIG JAKE IS COMING!"

Everybody ran out the door shrieking in fear, except the terrified bartender.

An enormous, beast of a man with more tattoos than skin then stalked into the bar. He said, "I'll take a vodka. Now."

The petrified bartender hands him the bottle. He drains it, and then eats the shot glass, followed by the bottle. The bartender, quivering in fear, asks, "W-Would... would you like another?"

The hulking brute said, "No thanks, I've got to get out of here. Didn't you hear? Big Jake is coming!"

[adopted scouser]

My favourite old joke

A foreigner was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” said the foreigner.

“That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.”

So the foreigner goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”

“Liverpool,” replies the Memory Man.

“Who did they beat?”

“Leeds,” was the reply.

“And the score?”

“2-1.”

“Who scored the winning goal?”

“Ian St. John,” was the old man’s reply.

The foreigner was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he returned.

A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed, the foreigner decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue.

He approached him with the greeting “How”.

The Memory man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box.”

[rebelmswar]

Passed through Burnley the other day.. saw a sign in a window which said "Happy 30th Gran!"..

You know you are from Burnley if you have ever been accused of lying through your tooth.

[beerwins]

Look at this pet lover

[Stuart]

My secretary asked me for an innuendo the other day.

So I gave her one.

[S15]

My secretary asked me for an innuendo the other day.

So I gave her one.

I laughed hard the first time I heard that joke..

It was welcome relief from the worry of the Millennium bug.

[Stuart]

I laughed hard the first time I heard that joke..

It was welcome relief from the worry of the Millennium bug.

Can't you just stick me on ignore?

[ABBEY]

Mary Bale has wheelie bin horrible to that cat.

[colin]

Little Jimmy turns up to school.

The teacher says "Where where you yesterday, you weren't here at school.

Little Jimmy says "Sorry Miss, we had a family tragedy; my grandfather got burned."

"Oh dear Jimmy, was he badly burned?"

"Oh no Miss, they don't mess about at the crematorium."

I thank you, I'm taking bookings for stag nights, bar mitvazas & other occasions.

[T4E]

Mary Bale has wheelie bin horrible to that cat.

I don't see what the big deal is.

Top Cat has been living in a bin for years.

[bazza]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

'Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.' If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.'

To which his wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!'

[American]

How Long is a Chinese man.

[T4E]

Old McDonald had OCD.

E E I I O.

[Presty On Tour]

I saw a woman about to park outside my house and said, "I don't think you can park there, love".

She said, "Sorry, I'll move it over there".

I said, "You probably can't park there either"

She said, "Why the ###### not?"

I said, "Because you're a woman".

[rebelmswar]

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/998181/

Always cheers me up.

[ackroyd75]

What do you call 100 catholic priests?

A Centapedaphile!

[Guest bluerovers]

[JC4LAB]

Departing Popes plane suffers delay at Liverppol airport

http://www.boreme.com//boreme/funny-2002/liverpool-p1.php

[Paul]

What did the slug say to the snail when they met on the garden path?

Big Issue, sir?

[bazza]

This should cheer up most of you.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_SvuNcPx2dg&feature=related

[cn174]

This should cheer up most of you.

Could watch Laurel and Hardy for ages!

[Ozz]

Cheese

[T4E]

I didn't click on it because it's in black and white.

[sloth_frattelli]

I didn't click on it because it's in black and white.

My Grandad still dreams in black and white.

[philipl]

�I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

�Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

�The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

�Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

�If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

�We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

�War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

�Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

�The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

�To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

�I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay slips.

�A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

�Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR".

�I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

�I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

�Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

�Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

�A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

�You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

�The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

�Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

�A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

�Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

�Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

�I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

�Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

�There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

�I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

�When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

�You're never too old to learn something stupid.

�To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

�Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

�If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?