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[Archived] Friday Funnies

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cletus Champions League

cletus

Posted
Posted

Santa says to his elf "I`m getting ####ed off with this! Every year i put on this red outfit, do all the work & end up with sod all!"

The elf replies "Now you know how Steven Gerrard feels" :rolleyes:

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colin Champions League

colin

Posted
Posted

This has done the rounds a few times, but still funny

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No , I just lie there.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis , does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do..

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes , voodoo.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you ###### me?

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Getting laid.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death..

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight.

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral...

_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No..

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Paul World Cup

Paul

Posted
Posted

"So, Mr Blatter, who's your favourite Qatar player?"

"Eric Clapton"

cletus Champions League

cletus

Posted
Posted

I see McDonalds have launched the new Qatari world-cup 2022 burger meal. It comes with flies & a sheikh....... :unsure:

Al World Cup

Al

Posted
Posted

A girl goes in to the police station and says 'I've been raped by an Australian batsman'

The policeman says 'How do you know he was an Australian batsman?'

She says 'He wasn't in for long.'

cletus Champions League

cletus

Posted
Posted

What do Ashley & Big Sam have in common? :huh:

....neither will be attending the Rovers christmas doo :unsure:

Grabbi Graeme Uefa Europa League

Grabbi Graeme

Posted
Posted

Heather Mills mum & dad have bought her a new leg for Christmas......it's not her main present, it's just a stocking filler.

The wife's always moaning how I don't make an effort at Christmas, so this year after searching for what seemed hours for the perfect gift. I got her some nice perfume which I think she'll love.

It's called Tester

We live in modern times.

I just answered my front door to a traveller selling jpegs

cletus Champions League

cletus

Posted
Posted

Q...What`s orange & smells of Hippopotamus cr4p?

A...Zippy`s bell end :unsure:

I hear Kate McCann has a new fragrance out. It`s called Negligence :unsure:

A little boy asks his dad "Daddy, does Father Ted off the telly abuse choir boys, plant bombs for the IRA & cover up paedophilia within the catholic church?"

"No son..." says the little boys dad "he`s not a real priest." :unsure:

....i`ll get me coat

T4E World Cup

T4E

Posted
Posted

Dear children,

There is no Santa Claus, those presents are from your parents.

Yours Sincerely,

Wikileaks

adopted scouser Champions League

adopted scouser

Posted
Posted

God bless Tommy Cooper

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

philipl World Cup

philipl

Posted
Posted

Bloke down under goes into a brothel and asks the madam "Do you do humiliation?"

She said "Yes, just $A60"

Bloke thinks that is pretty reasonable and hands over the Aussie dollars.

The kindly old tart reaches into the heavy oak wardrobe...

...and gives him a baggy green cap and a cricket shirt

colin Champions League

colin

Posted
Posted

God bless Tommy Cooper

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

It's not me. Ho-Chan-Chu sounds a safe bet for my money.

bazza Champions League

bazza

Posted
Posted

Just a few bloopers and that, I like the penalty right at end!

Clare, you shouldn't post things like that at this time of night. I've just managed to stop the tears rolling down my face.

I liked the corner kick in the flood and the last chap to fall off the stretcher.

Eddie World Cup

Eddie

Posted
Posted

Did you hear about Gary Glitter and the Aston Villa job? Apparently he's applied for the manager position after Villa told him their strikers were Young, Bent and possibly Keane.

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