[Archived] Friday Funnies

[colin]

For sale:

High quality hi-fi amplifier. Volume controls works OK; bass controls works OK; treble f**cked up.

Contact Alex Ferguson

0161 952 17254

[adopted scouser]

For sale:

High quality hi-fi amplifier. Volume controls works OK; bass controls works OK; treble f**cked up.

Contact Alex Ferguson

0161 952 17254

Abbey ages ago, sorry

[rubecula]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and

pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

[bazza]

Osama Bin Laden

World Hide & Seek Champion 2001 – 2011.

Elton John has been asked to play at Osama Bin Laden’s funeral.

He is going to play Sandals in the Bin.

[colin]

Sent to me by my sister who, like me, is 16th Irish. Ignore the "stupid Oirish" slant.

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy." Paddy replies, "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite," he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face.

"Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement and falls flat on his face.

"I'm fockin' focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. He takes a look up the stairs and says 'No fockin' way'. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did, Jess. I was fockin' bladdered. But how'd you know?"

"Mick phoned . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub."

[Paul]

Imogen Thomas is planning a singing career...........................she's already had a couple of gigs in Manchester.

[JC4LAB]

Although Ryan plays for Utd he does Miss Wales I believe

[Grabbi Graeme]

Man Utd team to play Barcelona in Champions League Final

Van Der Sar

Raphael

Evera

Ferdinand

Vidic

Carrick

Valencia

Nani

Unamed Premier League Player

Hernandez

Rooney

[Guest roverite1991]

Imogen Thomas has rejected offers to open a new mall in Swansea in favour of appearing on Strictly Come Dancing. She stated she prefers to do the well-paid gigs.

(Similar to above, I guess).

[Grabbi Graeme]

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

I can't believe that Ryan Giggs missed training in the week of the Champions League final.

It's almost like he doesn't understand the meaning of commitment.

I went on Mastermind last week and my specialist subject was Manchester United.

John Humphreys said, "Question one: Which Man United player is known as the Welsh Wizard?"

I said, "I couldn't say."

He said, "Correct. Question two..."

[Guest roverite1991]

I went on Mastermind last week and my specialist subject was Manchester United.

John Humphreys said, "Question one: Which Man United player is known as the Welsh Wizard?"

I said, "I couldn't say."

He said, "Correct. Question two..."

Haha good effort!

[snatchymcsnatch]

After the ridiculous debacle with the FIFA presidency this week most people think Sepp Blatter has finally crossed the line.

Unfortunately due to his stance on the use of technology in football we'll never really know...

[bazza]

A Scotsman, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, a Kiwi, a Springbok, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian,a Swede, a Finn, a Norwegian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech and a Swiss all went to a nightclub.....

The doorman said .......................

"Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

[Grabbi Graeme]

I phoned OK magazine but, when they answered, they said, "Hello."

So I hung up. I must have got the wrong number.

What do you call a pregnant Irish rapper?

Duff Paddy

[Sandiway Blue]

Went to Weight Watchers last night. Opened a pack of maltesers and threw them all over the floor...best game of hungry hippos I've ever seen!

[colin]

Medicare Australian Style:

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

"Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr.. Sanders arrived as well...

We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Sanders.

"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The Medicare Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't have sex with him.

[colin]

A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The undertaker asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the undertaker a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly...

She says to the undertaker, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the undertaker presents her with the blank cheque.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the undertaker says, 'it cost nothing.. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[Ozz]

They`re making a film about Raul Moat. Shooting started about a year ago.

[Grabbi Graeme]

My wife has packed her bags and gone - just because of my fetish with touching pasta.

I'm feeling canneloni right now.

[Blue n White Rover]

My ex-wife is suffering from manic depression...she phones me the other day and said "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help me!!"

So, I sent her to the bus timetable.

[Sandiway Blue]

I met a girl last nite. There was an instant spark between us and she fell at my feet As we lay there making love I thought.

'This taser gun was money well spent`

[philipl]

Some of these animal shots are hilarious!

[Grabbi Graeme]

A friend has recently started a business in Afghanistan. He is making land mines disguised as prayer mats and selling them to the Taliban. He is going brilliantly. Apparently prophets are through the roof!

[jodrell]

Medical Term Irish Definition

Artery The study of paintings

Bacteria Back door to cafeteria

Barium What doctors do when patients die

Benign What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section A neighbourhood in Rome

Cat scan Searching for Kitty

Cauterize Made eye contact with her

Colic A sheep dog

Coma A punctuation mark

Dilate To live long

Enema Not a friend

Fester Quicker than someone else

Fibula A small lie

Impotent Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff A Doctor's cane

Morbid A higher offer

Nitrates Rates of Pay for Working at Night,Normally more money than Days

Node I knew it

Outpatient A person who has fainted

Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative A letter carrier

Recovery Room Place to do upholstery

Rectum Nearly killed him

Secretion Hiding something

Seizure Roman Emperor

Tablet A small table

Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport

Tumour One plus one more

Urine Opposite of you're out

[Grabbi Graeme]

The riots have just hit Dublin.......gangs have raided Argos and are queuing at Collection Point C.