[Archived] Friday Funnies

[dr_awol]

Some of these animal shots are hilarious!

best website ever

[philipl]

Worst dates in 140 characters

Some absolute classics and this is one which repays clicking on more stories.

The one of the guy telling a girl the Smiths lyrics tatooed on her arm were wrong appealed to my sense of the absurd as did the blind date which turned out to be a reunion for the first time since they were 9....

[brian_gallagher85]

Too many "http//"s in your link Phil

[Grabbi Graeme]

My girlfriend is leaving me over my horse racing obsession....

Clearly I'm not the favourite.

I saw a bloke being completely henpecked by his girlfriend on The Jeremy Kyle Show.

You could really see who wears the tracksuit bottoms in their relationship.

Beyonce's baby is due in February. Which means we only have 6 months to wait and see what all the newborn kids on council estates will be called next year.

[philipl]

“AS THOUSANDS have gathered in Lower Manhattan, passionately expressing their deep discontent with the status quo, we have taken note of these protests,” wrote Lloyd Blankfein, the boss of Goldman Sachs, in a recent letter to investors. “And we have asked ourselves this question: ‘How can we make money off them?’ The answer is the newly launched Goldman Sachs Global Rage Fund.” This will invest in firms likely to benefit from social unrest, such as window repairers and makers of police batons. As Mr Blankfein explained: “At Goldman, we recognise that the capitalist system as we know it is circling the drain—but there’s plenty of money to be made on the way down.”

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, hehehehe

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Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

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Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )

A:Depends how much you've been drinking.

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Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden )

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

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Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK )

A: What did your last slave die of?

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Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA )

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.

Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not

... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

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Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

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Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...

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Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? ( USA )

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is

Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

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Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? ( UK )

A: You are a British politician, right?

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Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? ( Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.

Milk is illegal.

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Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA )

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.

All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

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Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. ( USA )

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.

You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

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Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

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Q:Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? ( France )

A: Only at Christmas.

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Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[True Blue & White]

[Alan75]

A man takes his dog to obediance classes as he wants to use the dog as a guard dog.

He tells the trainer that hes been training his dog to be a guard dog, but it still lets everyone in.

The trainer takes one look at the dog and says that it would be impossible to train the dog to prevent it letting people in because.

Its a UK Border Collie

[Sandiway Blue]

I was talking to my wife the other day about reincarnation.

She asked, "What actually is reincarnation?"

I said to her, "Well, it's when you die and come back as something completely different."

"So, I could come back as a pig?!" she exclaimed.

I said, "You're not listening are you...?"

[adopted scouser]

At 'I'm a celebrity' they've invented the hardest bushtucker trial yet.

A Kangaroo will attempt to eat Fatima Whitbread's testicles

[Saltysellars]

Apologies if this is about ten days late, but

Police suspect foul play surrounding the death of Joe Frazier.

They are currently grilling George Foreman!

[Paul]

Hopefully the police eventually caught up with them and charged the whole group with criminal damage.

[Sandiway Blue]

A little bit of Tevez out the door.

A little bit of Vidic on the floor.

A little a bit of Nasri on the side.

A little bit of Rooney shooting wide.

A little bit of Mario having a laugh.

A little bit of Nani on his arse...

Ladies and Gentleman - Channel Number Five.

[Aberdeen Blue]

DOG FOR SALE:

A guy is driving around the back woods of the Trough of Bowland and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'.

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks. 'Yep', the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'so, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the SAS.

In no time at all, they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping'. 'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.'

But the jetting around really tired me out and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals'. 'I got married, had a bunch of puppies, and now I'm just retired'.

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten quid,' the guy says.

'Ten quid? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a bloody liar. He's never been out of the garden'

[ackroyd75]

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

While suffering the agonies of impending death,

he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite scones

wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength,

and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning on the wall,

he slowly made his way out of the bedroom,

and with even greater effort,

gripping the railing with both hands,

he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath,

he leaned against the door-frame,

gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony,

he would have thought himself already in heaven,

for there, spread out upon the kitchen table

were literally hundreds of his favourite scones.

Was it heaven?

Or was it one final act of love

from his devoted Yorkshire wife of sixty years,

seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort,

he threw himself towards the table,

landing on his knees in rumpled posture.

His aged and withered hand

trembled towards a scone at the edge of the table,

when it was suddenly smacked by his wife

with a wooden spoon ......

*

*

*

*

*

'Bugger off'.

she said,

'they're for the funeral.'

[Grabbi Graeme]

April 14th 1912:

MAN: "Women and children first please."

25 years ago:

WOMAN: "Women want sex equality"

15 years ago:

WOMAN:"Women to fight sexism"

5 years ago:

WOMAN:"Women winning on sex equality"

3 days ago:

WOMAN: "It was unbelievable, men were trying to get into the lifeboats before women"

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box

[ABBEY]

2 scousers found alive on stricken cruise ship... They told Italian rescuers to f off as they were staying on bar as there on all inclusive

[Sandiway Blue]

For their upcoming fixture with Man Utd and to avoid a clash of colour,Liverpool will sport an alternate kit of white shirts,white socks,white shorts and white hoods....

[Grabbi Graeme]

So i posted an advert in the Personal's column of my local paper seeking a new wife, i've received over 100 letters back already; problem is they all say the same thing - "You can have mine!"

[Al]

A man is in a London cab when he realises he has given the driver the name of the wrong hotel.

He taps the driver on the shoulder to tell him.

The driver shoots up into the air, hits a car in the next lane, shoots across the pavement and ends up with one wheel over the Thames.

The guy says 'Sorry, but I didn't think a tap on the shoulder would have that effect on you'.

'It's my fault' said the driver 'This is my first day as a cabbie. For the last 25 years I've been driving a hearse'.

[1864roverite]

A Burnley dad is teching his son how to masturbate one day, hios son says "wow this is great dad", dad replies "yes son and when you get older you can play with your own cock!"

[Stuart]

A Burnley dad is teching his son how to masturbate one day, hios son says "wow this is great dad", dad replies "yes son and when you get older you can play with your own cock!"

*shudder*

[Grabbi Graeme]

I took my kids to see Snow White and the 7 Dwarfs, only 6 dwarfs turned up.

Not happy

[Aberdeen Blue]

A pound coin was thrown onto the pitch at Ibrox on Saturday. Police are trying to determine whether it was a missile or a takeover bid.....

[Grabbi Graeme]

My wife says she is leaving me over my obsession with the game Football Manager, I have told her she is being unprofessional and I will decide if she stays or goes.

[Grabbi Graeme]

Mary had a little skirt

the skirt was split in half,

and every step that Mary took

the boys could see her calf.

Mary had another skirt

the split was up the front,

But she never wore that one