[Archived] Friday Funnies

[bazza]

Washing my old Vauxhall yesterday, I noticed traces of mould on the rubber seal around the sunroof.

I've got Vectra Mildew, I don't belieeeeeve it!

[American Rover12]

An Essex girl goes into a sex shop and asks for a vibrator.The shop assistant asks her to choose from the display on the wall."I'll have that red one" she says."Sorry love. That's the fire extinguisher"------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------My lawnmower has been in need of fixing for months but you know how it is there's always something else you need to be doing like going for a beer or a game of golf.The other day I got home and found the wife kneeling down, cutting the grass with a pair of nail scissors.I went inside for a toothbrush and she said "What's that for?""When you've finished the lawn you might as well sweep the drive."The doctors say I will walk again but I will always have a limp.

I googled 'Gary Oldman' last night. Got some disturbing pictures, he's really let himself go.Then I realised I'd left the R out

A pirate walked into a bar, and the publican said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.""What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine.""What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.""Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."The publican replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really.""What about that eye patch?""Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them ###### in my eye.""You're kidding," said the publican. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird ######.""It was my first day with the hook."

[Grabbi Graeme]

Rangers FC 2013 Line up - Naismith, Naifuture, Naiclass, Naimoney, Naistadium, Naihope, Naitrophies, Naiprospects, Naifans, Naimanager, Naiplayers

[Baz]

Deleted

[Al]

Scouser prayed every night for a new bike.

Then his mate wised him up that the Lord doesn't work that way.

He went out and stole one then prayed for forgiveness.

[Baz]

Was trying to post a picture of the Hartlepool fans at Charlton dressed as smurfs earlier today. made me laugh.

[Grabbi Graeme]

My friend appeared on the T.V show The Voice, he failed to get through the blind auditions on the show, he admitted his song choice might of been wrong.

He sang the Aswad song "Don't Turn Around"

[colin]

What's the difference between ignorance & apathy?

[adopted scouser]

What's the difference between ignorance & apathy?

Don't know, don't care

[SouthAussieRover]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem.

While they were there, the wife passed away.

The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.

The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.

The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"

The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later,rose from the dead.I just can't take that chance!"

[bazza]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every

problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and

on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and

unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist

got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he

embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched with

a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a

daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife

needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I go fishing.

[Grabbi Graeme]

I just found out my oldest, and closest friend Gavin has passed away. Overdosed on indigestion medicine. I just can't believe it - Gav is gone.

[A cup of beans]

A Burnley dad is teching his son how to masturbate one day, hios son says "wow this is great dad", dad replies "yes son and when you get older you can play with your own cock!"

Now.. I know that I should be above that sort of thing, BUT..

[Grabbi Graeme]

After a trophy less season and a run of disappointing results, Manchester Utd have today announced that they have parted company with Howard Webb.

When Kenny Dalglish met with Liverpool's owners they told him they wanted him to put himself in the fans shoes.

Which is why he is now unemployed

[adopted scouser]

John Terry is going to his daughter's sports day this week.

He's wearing his full PE kit in case she wins.

[Mike E]

Jimmy and Pauline were on a plane to the Bahamas, when the plane suddenly started plummeting. Pauline screamed 'We're all going to be killed!! Jimmy, please! Treat me like a real woman one last time!'

Jimmy replied 'Certainly!' With a sly wink, he slowly took off his shirt, threw it to the floor and said 'Iron that!'

[bazza]

Russell, A Gay Man, goes into the doctor's office

and has some tests run.

The doctor comes back and says,

' Russell , I'm not going to beat around the bush.

You have AIDS.'

Russell is devastated... 'Doc, what can I do?

Eat 1 curry sausage,

1 head of Cabbage,

20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,

10 Jalapeno Peppers,

40 walnuts and 40 peanuts,

1/2 box Of All Bran,

And top it off with a litre of prune juice..'

Russell asks bewildered, ' Will that cure me, Doc?'

Doc says, No,

but it should leave you with a better understanding

of what your ARSE is for.

[colin]

Doc says, No,

but it should leave you with a better understanding

of what your ARSE is for.

You appear to have a fairly detailed understanding about the mechanics of gay sex. Would you care to share your knowledge?

[Sparky Marky]

You appear to have a fairly detailed understanding about the mechanics of gay sex. Would you care to share your knowledge?

One up the bum, no harm done.

Thats what I was led to believe.....

[adopted scouser]

http://www.amazon.co.uk/product-reviews/B000KKNQBK

You might have already seen these

[Sandiway Blue]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven. She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams. 'Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the holes put into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation. Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams. 'Oh my God,' says the old lady, 'now what's happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go there,' says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so', says the old lady, 'but I've already got the holes for that.'

[Cocker]

Naptime

[Amo]

Naptime

Sadly, some single mums over here will think that's a genuine commercial.

[Alex Rover]

[Mike E]

An elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple, wanted to join a church.

The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!", said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?"

The man replied, "The first week wasn't too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!", said the pastor.

The pastor then went to the newlywed couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?"

"No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly.

"What happened?" inquired the pastor.

"My wife was reaching for a can of paint on the top shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there."

"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man. "We're not welcome at B&Q anymore, either."