[Archived] Friday Funnies

[BlueMonday]

I got talking to a woman at the bar the other night. I asked her where she was from. 'Warrington' she replied.

'Ah, Warrington' I said,

'Now Warrington is famous for 2 things. Beautiful women and Rugby.'

' So, which position is it you play?...'

[Grabbi Graeme]

I was woken at 3am by the noisy bulimic girl next door.

I shouted "For God's sake, keep it down!"

4 words you never want to hear after sex...

"How's about that then"

I saw a teenage girl busking today. She had a great voice and an even better pair of legs, emphasised by the short skirt she was wearing.

"Any requests?" she asked the watching crowd.

"Your thong" I replied with a wink.

Everyone gasped in horror, and the girl slapped me.

It's tough being an Elton John fan with a lisp.

[adopted scouser]

Some bloke walked up to the counter and said, "Burger and chips, please."

"Certainly, Sir," I replied. "Are you eating in or taking out?"

"F*** off you c***," he snapped, before walking off with his food.

I love working in the prison canteen.

[old darwen blue]

My favourite from a certain site.

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says, "Kean off, you won't bring it back."

I only left a swear word in to see if the K*an filter works. And it does. Much lol.

[Al]

Archeologists have found a mummy that was buried after being covered in chocolate and nuts. They believe they have found the long lost Pharaoh Rocha.

[Mike E]

Bloke goes into a newsagents. He says to the lady behind the counter 'kitkat chunky'.

'Certainly sir', and she passes him a kitkat chunky.

'No, a normal kitkat, you fat bitch!'

[Adam C]

I was listening to a phone-in on 5 live today. They were talking about the dangers of eating battered chocolate bars. One guy caused the switchboard to go into overdrive when he said they should be banned after he got 3rd degree burns on his tongue from trying to eat one. That was a hot topic!

[adopted scouser]

..

[bazza]

During the Olympics

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle aged couple from Weymouth

[Aberdeen Blue]

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."

"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"

God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?"

[jodrell]

Waitress in Tesco asked if I wanted anything on my Burger ~ So I had a £5 each way.

Tesco value burgers nutrition information.........Low in fat. High in Shergar.

Is it a coincidence that 'HAMBURGERS' is an anagram of 'SHERGAR BUM' ?

I just checked my Tesco burgers in the freezer, aaannndd they’re off...

I had one of those burgers two nights ago, still got a bit between by teeth.

Apparently Tesco beef burgers give you the trots....

Tesco horseburgers? What’s next, my Lidl pony...

Hope these horse jokes do not go on furlong...

[Sandiway Blue]

China are jumping on the Tesco bandwagon now.
They're selling Quarterpandas !

My bird says the trust has gone from our relationship.

She's never going to close her eyes and open her mouth again.

[Aberdeen Blue]

Odemwingie spent slightly less time in a car park than Richard III

[Willie Eckerslike]

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted
to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground
was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison at New
Jersey State Prison in Trenton, NJ. The old man wrote a letter to his son and
described his predicament:


Dear
Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because
it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just
getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my
troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like
in the old
days.

Love,

Papa

A
few days later he received a letter from his
son.

Dear
Papa,

Don't dig up that
garden.
That's where the bodies are
buried.

Love,

Vinnie

At
4 a.m. the next day, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire
area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That
same day the old man received another letter from his
son.

Dear
Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes
now. That's the best I could do under the
circumstances.

Love
you,

Vinnie

[BlueMonday]

Well the pub in Corrie has gone up in smoke.

Anyone else thinking that Venkys own that Rovers as well?

[Mike E]

They say Tiger is being encouraged to withdraw. Even if he does withdraw, she'll probably still get pregnant,

[T4E]

I bet John Lennon would have loved buying stuff online.

Imagine all the Paypal....

[Al]

Give a man a gun and he can rob a bank.

Give a man a bank and he can rob the world.

There were riots today in Moscow. Somebody stole next year's election results.

[Al]

What do you call an Australian with 100 on the board?

A bowler.

[adopted scouser]

After my accident, I woke up in hospital with a sexy nurse standing over me.

She said, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

"Fair enough," I replied, groping her breasts.

[Alex Rover]

Samir, PLEASE!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKrNaa829K8&sns=tw

[Mike E]

Three deaf old men were walking down the street one March day.

One said: 'Windy, ain't it?'

'No,' said the second, 'it's Thursday.'

The third man said: 'So am I. Let's grab a beer!'

[adopted scouser]

Australia have just had a general election. The main concern is about the number of illegal immigrants there are.

Government sources suggest around 60,000.

Aboriginal sources say it's more like twenty two and a half million of the c**ts.

[Willie Eckerslike]

It was Postman Pat's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying
the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route,he was greeted by the
whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him
on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The family at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old
Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a blonde in her lingerie.

She took him by the arm andled him up the stairs to the bedroom where
she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast:
Bacon, Eggs, Sausage & Tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice.

As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a pound coin
in the saucer.

'All this was just too wonderful for words,' he said, 'but what's the
pound for?'

'Well,' said the blonde, 'Last night, I told my husband that today would
be your last day and that we should do something special for you'.

'I asked him what I should give you'. He said, 'F**k him. Give him a quid.'

She smiled shyly and said, 'The breakfast was my idea.'

[Mike E]

A dwarf and a blonde noticed some clear chemistry between them on a night out. The blonde invited him to her place.

She gave him all kinds of signals and he eventually relented. They went up to the bedroom 'on condition,' said the dwarf,'that the lights are off.' So they get down to it.

After 5 orgasms, the blonde gasps, 'My God, this is the most amazing, passionate sex I've ever experienced!'

Out of the darkness, the dwarf says, 'If you think this is great, just you wait til I get BOTH legs in!'