[Archived] Friday Funnies

[Glenn]

Hear about the plumber who wanted a divorce?

He called his wife and said "It's over flo"

354756[/snapback]

been at the crackers early this year AS ?

[Flopsy]

he's been at something

[fee]

Brian, The world expert on European wasps, goes into the booth and puts on the earphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth and announces, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make and yet I recognised none of those."

"I'm sorry Sir", says the young assistant. "If you'd care to step into the booth, I can let you have another 10 minutes."

Brian, The world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, steps back into the booth and replaces the headphones. Ten minutes later, he comes out of the booth shaking his head. "I don't understand it", he says, "I am the world expert on European wasps and the sounds that they make, and yet I still can't recognise any of those !"

"I really am terribly sorry", says the young assistant.............

......."I've just realised I was playing you the 'bee' side."

[Cocker]

Not really a joke but I didnt think it needed its own thread:-

Click

[Ozz]

Cocker, thats just rubbish!

[Cocker]

Cocker, thats just rubbish!

356071[/snapback]

Well, it made me jump

[Rovers Air Force]

Description of major viruses out there!

The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.

The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e- mails everyone about what it did.

The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.

The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.

The HAROLD SHIPMAN virus: deletes all old files.

The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.

The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.

and last but not least ...

The LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.

[Rovers Air Force]

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

"Mouse Balls"

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).

Therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.

Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by the twist-off method. Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse can be used immediately.

It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.

Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

[Flopsy]

Bird flu reaches Paris

[krislu]

Not really funny, but damn...

http://www.patmedia.net/marklevinson/cool/cool_illusion.html

[Cheshireblue]

That is just too strange.

[Jim J]

One for the IT techies

Beware, there is strong language. I suggest watching it at home.

[Ozz]

Reminded of Ren out of Ren and Stimpy.

[colin]

Went to see John Cooper Clarke last nihght....

On Burnley

...It's Darwin's waiting room.

My manager says I'm far too sophisticated an artist to play in Burnley...

Or anywhere else where they still point at airplanes.

On Hotels in Burnley:

You know you're in the wrong hotel when a fight breaks out in the mini-bar.

I wouldn't say the hotel was bad, but they stole my towels.

The room was so small, when I put the key in the door, I broke the window.

I asked for a suite with a view. They gave me a Polo Mint.

....and my own favourite..there are three great things about having Alzheimers

(1) You can hide your own easter eggs

(2) You get to met new and interesting people every day

(3) You can hide your own easter eggs

[PABBY]

An Amish boy and his father went to a mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life; I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order! Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son... "Go get your mother."

[fee]

A man scanned the guests at a party and spotted an attractive woman standing alone.

He approached her and asked her name.

"My name is Carmen," she told him.

"That's a beautiful name," he said. "Is it a family name?"

"No," she replied. "I gave it to myself. It reflects the things I like most- cars and men."

"What's your name?" she asked.

"Beerf#ck," he said

[jim mk2]

Pat Simmons, the voice of the speaking clock from 1963-84 , was sadly reported to have died on Wednesday this week at the age of 85.

What the obituaries did not say was that she expired at the third stroke at eight, twenty four and ten seconds precisely.

[Grabbi Graeme]

A man comes home to find his girlfriend packing her bags.

"What are you doing?" asks the man

"I'm leaving you, people round here say that you are a pedophile" she says

"Thats a big word for a 14 year old". the man replies

[cletus]

Q...what`s 4ft tall,& ominously stands at the end of childrens beds?

A...Gary Glitters boots!!

[adopted scouser]

Bloke goes into a chippy with a large salmon under his arm.

Asks the man behind the counter "do you do fish cakes" ?

"No we don't"

"Shame. It's his birthday today"

[philipl]

Some people will appreciate this one:

What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?

Well, they were both founded by Spaniards, St Dominic for the Dominicans, and St Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy: the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants.

What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?

Well, have you met any Albigensians lately?

[Grabbi Graeme]

I'll get my coat

[cletus]

Some people will appreciate this one:

What is similar about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?

Well, they were both founded by Spaniards, St Dominic for the Dominicans, and St Ignatius of Loyola for the Jesuits. They were also both founded to combat heresy: the Dominicans to fight the Albigensians, and the Jesuits to fight the Protestants.

What is different about the Jesuit and Dominican Orders?

Well, have you met any Albigensians lately?

Can`t wait to tell my mates that one!

Classic!

[cletus]

Q...What do Blackpool donkeys have for dinner?

A...Half an hour.

[Dan Furness]

Q...What do Blackpool donkeys have for dinner?

A...Half an hour.

361404[/snapback]

Just seen a taxi pull outside your house