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[Archived] Friday Funnies

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Tom World Cup

Tom

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This isn't a joke but didn't want to start a new thread

Ewood Florists are being investigated by environmental health because they have a cardboard caterpillar in the window smoking a shisha pipe

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  • 2 months later...
ackroyd75 Premier League

ackroyd75

Posted
Posted

Potatoes


Well, a Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato'.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would eat properly so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries, and when she went out West, she must watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
They sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ). So that when she graduated she'd really be "in the Chips".
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Geoffrey Boycott.

"Geoffrey Boycott!!!!", they cried.

They were very upset and told Yam "You can't possibly marry Geoffrey Boycott because he's just ........

Are you ready for this? Are you sure?
*
OK! You asked for it: Here it is!
*
*
*

*

*

*

*

*
... just a COMMONTATER

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Mike E World Cup

Mike E

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We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us griping about you leaving it down.

2. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

3. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

4. Weekends = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

5. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

6. Crying is blackmail.

7. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

8. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

9. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

10. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

11. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

12. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

13. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.

14. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

15. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

16. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during adverts.

17. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

18. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

19. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

20. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

21. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

22. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

23. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

24. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

25. You have enough clothes.

26. You have too many shoes.

27. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)

28. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.

29. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.

30. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping.

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Steve Moss Champions League

Steve Moss

Posted
Posted

Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.
A few days later, as Tony's walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. "John, what happened?" Tony asks.
"I have no idea," John replies. "I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don't understand is why she always yells 'Damn income taxes!' whenever we have sex."

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Steve Moss Champions League

Steve Moss

Posted
Posted
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.


The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.


Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.


"Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister.


"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."


The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.


"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."

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ackroyd75 Premier League

ackroyd75

Posted
Posted

An Englishman is being shown around a Scottish hospital.

At the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients who show no obvious signs of injury. He goes to examine the first man he sees, and the man proclaims:

Fair fa' yer honest, sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
painch tripe or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
as lang's my arm.

The Englishman, somewhat taken aback, goes to the next patient, and immediately the patient launches into:

Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit.

This continues with the next patient:

Wee sleekit cow'rin tim'rous beastie,
O what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
wi' bickering brattle.
I wad be laith to run and chase thee,
wi' murdering prattle!"

"Well," the Englishman mutters to his Scottish colleague, "I see you saved the psychiatric ward for the last."

"Nay, nay," the Scottish doctor corrected him, "this is the Serious Burns unit."

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Steve Moss Champions League

Steve Moss

Posted
Posted
Two Canadian guys, Mike and Rob were on the roof, laying tile, when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder.

"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light."

"What, do you think I'm stupid? You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."

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yoda

yoda

Posted
Posted

Burnley fan up on the ledge of a building threatening to jump. Rovers types rush to the rescue holding a large blanket, 'jump into the blanket'

"You must think I'm stupid. You lot support kean rovers, you'll pull it away when I jump. Lie it down on the pavement

Dingle up in a tree would be more realistic

:D

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