[Archived] Friday Funnies

[Steve Moss]

One of Abbey's recent comments reminded me of this one:

A new guy in town walks into a bar and notices a large jar filled to the brim with $10 bills. The man approaches the bartender and asks, "What's up with the jar?"

"Well, you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, then you get all the money."

"What are the three tests?" asks the man

"Gotta pay first."

So the guy gives him the $10 bucks, and the bartender adds it to the jar.

"OK, here's what you have to do. First, you have to drink that whole bottle of pepper tequila -- the WHOLE thing at once -- and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a pit bull chained up out back with a sore tooth. You have to remove the tooth with your bare hands. Third, there is a 90-year-old woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm in her life. You gotta make things right for her."

"Well, I know I've paid my $10 bucks," says the man, "but I'm not an idiot. No wonder you've collected so much money -- that's impossible!"

The new guy proceeds to drink several whiskeys, and eventually, he gets up his nerve.

"Wherez zat teeqeelah?" he slurs.

He grabs the bottle of pepper tequila with both hands and downs it, gulp by gulp. Tears are streaming down his cheeks, but he doesn't make a face. Next, he staggers out back. Everyone in the bar hears a huge scuffle outside -- barking, yelping and growling, then silence.

Just when they think the man must be dead, he staggers back into the bar with his shirt ripped and gashes across his body.

"NOW," he says, "wherez at ol' lady with the sore tooth?"

[Steve Moss]

Four surgeons were sitting around discussing whom they like to operate on. The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order". The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order". The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color-coded. The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on politicians." The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why. The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable."

[adopted scouser]

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.

And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother HoChaChu.

But I think it's Colin.

[Mike E]

Love Tommy Cooper

[Steve Moss]

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...

The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''

So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.

The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?

''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.

''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''

''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''

The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''

The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.

[Steve Moss]

Here's another-

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

[adopted scouser]

Love Tommy Cooper

Tommy was spot on, that gag is almost perfect. Cyclops is my favourite but that comes close

[otto man]

I know it's Thursday but........

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young
'pullets', and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot
and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them
to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which
rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by
just listening to the bells.

Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this
morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters
coming, would run for cover

To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't
ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next
one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Brisbane City
Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result
was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize,"
but they also awarded him the "Pullet Surprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a
politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards
on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting
populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Vote carefully in the next election, you can't always hear the bells.

[Paul]

I call my Granddad "Spiderman".

He hasn't got any special powers, he just finds it difficult getting out of the bath.

[Mike E]

I always wanted 3 kids. But now I've got 2, I only want 1.

[Steve Moss]

It was so cold today, a Democrat had his hands in his own pockets!

[ABBEY]

I said to this prostitute, "Can I do you Greek style?"

"Sure," she said.

So I shagged her up the arse and @#/? off without paying.

[T J Hooker]

I said to this prostitute, "Can I do you Greek style?"

"Sure," she said.

So I shagged her up the arse and @#/? off without paying.

there's one for the kids at least he censored it though

[ABBEY]

My mate's lad sent it .. If it's too bad delete .

[Paul]

STAR WARS

The story of an orphaned boy who becomes radicalised after a military strike kills his family. He is indoctrinated in to an ancient religion, joins a band of rebel insurgents and carries out a terrorist attack killing 300,000 people.

[Mike E]

Harry Potter-

One wizards unhealthy obsession with a teenage boy.

[Steve Moss]

Q: What do you call stormtroopers playing Monopoly?

A: Game of Clones

[ABBEY]

STAR WARS

The story of an orphaned boy who becomes radicalised after a military strike kills his family. He is indoctrinated in to an ancient religion, joins a band of rebel insurgents and carries out a terrorist attack killing 300,000 people.

so we can do racist jokes ? just asking

[Paul]

so we can do racist jokes ? just asking

If you could explain the racist element of this joke please?

Just to help you below is a link to the definition of racism

http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/racism

[ABBEY]

Hook line sinker

[Paul]

I think what you mean is you thought you'd have a dig only to discover once again you've posted without thinking. Always a mistake to shoot from the hip ABBEY.

[ABBEY]

not at all.

[adopted scouser]

Sad to see my hero Billy Connolly looking so frail. Savage irony that the programme that lauched him into the limelight shares the name of the disease that blights him today.

[arbitro]

I am going to see him on Saturday in London after the Charlton game. For me just pretty much fulfilling a lifetime ambition.

[Mike E]

The funniest man ever. Simple as that. I'd love for him to tell me to @#/? off, just once.