[Archived] Friday Funnies

[oldjamfan1]

I am going to see him on Saturday in London after the Charlton game. For me just pretty much fulfilling a lifetime ambition.

You'll really enjoy it Tony. I saw him in Glasgow the last time he toured. He was in unbelievable form that night. Tony Walmsley (my cousin) was up visiting me - I thought he was going to have a coronary at one point he was laughing that much.The venue for that gig (Clyde Auditorium) is literally 200 yards from where he was born and raised. The local housing association commissioned a large mural of Billy made of steel and placed it on the side of the new houses that stand on that site now. I was lucky enough to meet him at the unveiling ceremony in my work capacity. Wonderfully funny man.

Billy's local boozer whenever he came 'home' was the Clutha Vaults, the pub that the helicoptor crashed into a couple of years ago! It was a music pub and he never forgot that side of Glasgow.

Sad to see him suffering from ill health these days.

[arbitro]

You'll really enjoy it Tony. I saw him in Glasgow the last time he toured. He was in unbelievable form that night. Tony Walmsley (my cousin) was up visiting me - I thought he was going to have a coronary at one point he was laughing that much.The venue for that gig (Clyde Auditorium) is literally 200 yards from where he was born and raised. The local housing association commissioned a large mural of Billy made of steel and placed it on the side of the new houses that stand on that site now. I was lucky enough to meet him at the unveiling ceremony in my work capacity. Wonderfully funny man.

Billy's local boozer whenever he came 'home' was the Clutha Vaults, the pub that the helicoptor crashed into a couple of years ago! It was a music pub and he never forgot that side of Glasgow.

Sad to see him suffering from ill health these days.

He is a naturally funny man Andy who sees humour in everything, even his illness. Hopefully a win at Charlton will set the weekend up nicely.

[Mike E]

His first gig after Parkinson's diagnosis:

I met a man who'd had it a while and I asked him what it was like when the shakes got to you. He said 'I have one piece of advice. When you start shaking, keep your hand in your pocket and enjoy it!'

[Mike E]

I heard a knock, answered and my mother-in-law was stood in the rain with a suitcase. She said 'I've come to stay here for a while.'

I said 'Stay there, then,' and shut the door.

[K-Hod]

Wasn't sure where to post this, but I found it funny anyway!

If you say 'space ghetto' in an American accent, it sounds like 'spice girl' in a Scottish accent...

[adopted scouser]

Say beer can.

Sound like a Jamaican saying bacon

[Mike E]

A Cockley saying 'house', is an American saying 'ass'.

[BlueMonday]

Recently they put on a Shakespeare Appreciation Evening at our local pub. Having studied English at Uni I decided I would get dressed up and make an evening of it.

So with full Shakespeare outfit on, I arrived at the pub, ready for A good night, only to be stopped at the door by the bouncer.

"Sorry mate you can't come in, you're BARD!"

[Glenn]

Stumbled across this as part of the tidy up. About time we brought it back.

[Mike E]

My favourite from the first couple of pages:

A biker running errands for his wife stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home after shopping.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot".

The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.

[Mike E]

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption.

One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him Juan. 

Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.

He responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

[Guest]

OK, so it's Saturday, but who cares? 

Daily Express readers still stranded in six feet of imaginary snow

[Ozz]

I'm planning to open a lending library for classic pieces of art work, called 'Monet For Nothing'. 

There will be a cafe too, that serves chips for free.

[Paul]

OK then........

What do you call a bear with no ears?

 

 

 

 

B

[Al]

Deaf?

[Reedy You're A Star]

Call it whatever you want, it can't hear you

[Mike E]

I know it's not Friday but I heard this on Friday:

Mate of mine in the medical profession has just been sacked for having sex with a patient. Personally, I don't see the problem, he can do what he wants in his private life, surely? 7 years of medical training gone to waste alongside 10 years in the profession. He was a brilliant vet.