[Archived] Friday Funnies

[Cocker]

CLICK

[Nayef]

I can only spot 4!! Can you see all 5?

[1864roverite]

4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel.

In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

The old lady thinks

"I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him"

The pretty young blonde thinks

" I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him".

The Frenchman thinks

"I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me"

The Englishman thinks

"I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French tw@t again"

[Ozz]

[Dan Furness]

What will Postman Pat be known as when he retires?

Pat....

[1864roverite]

thanks Ozz I am here all week !!

still unable to send you an email, tried again last night and it bounced

[1864roverite]

A Rectum Stretcher

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a

woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other

side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with

that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your

hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum

stretcher do?"

Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to

two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from

side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely

stretch,until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket $95.00

[Ozz]

thanks Ozz I am here all week !!

still unable to send you an email, tried again last night and it bounced

362062[/snapback]

Like your cheques...

[Cocker]

Rude things you can only get away with saying at Christmas

1. I prefer breasts to legs

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. Smother the butter all over the breasts!

4. If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!

5. I've never seen a better spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once

13.I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!

14.You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you put it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Just pull the end and wait for the bang.

18. That's the biggest bird I've ever had!

19. I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning

20. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more!

[Nayef]

puzzle time

[SuperStella]

No Christmas lights in Vietnam this year - they're only hanging Glitter.........

[Napoleon]

A man is sat on a plane with an empty seat next to him before takeoff until a gorgeous blonde parks herself next to him.

She says to him "Hi there I'm Eliza, are you flying to London for work or pleasure?"

He replies "I'm off to see a friend for a week"

Eliza says "Oh that's nice. I'm going to a conference about Sexual Myths, I'm a lecturer on the subject"

"Sexual myths! What kind of thing does that involve then?" the guy asks her

"Well, I'll give you a couple of examples. Most people think that black men have the largest genitals. This isn't true. The race that has been proven to be most well endowed is Native Americans. Also, most people consider Italian men to be the best lovers in the world. Our research showed that women had experienced Greek men to be by far the best"

"Oh, really?" says the man.

The attractive blonde replies "look at me blabbering on about my work. I haven't even asked your name yet!"

The guy replies "Erm, I'm... Tonto Papadopolous"

[Dan Furness]

WOMAN'S DIARY:

Friday 18th November 2005

Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I went

shopping in the afternoon with the girls and I did turn up a bit late

so thought it might be that.

The bar was really crowded and loud so I suggested we go somewhere

quieter to talk. He was still very subdued and distracted so I

suggested we

go somewhere nice to eat.

All through dinner he just didn't seem himself; he hardly laughed

and

didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying.

I just knew that something was wrong.

He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in;

he

hesitated but followed. I asked him again if there was something the

matter

but he just half shook his head and turned the television on.

After about 10 minutes of silence, I said I was going upstairs to

bed. I

put my arms around him and told him that I loved him deeply.

He just gave a sigh and a sad sort of smile. He didn't follow me up

but

later he did, and I was surprised when we made love. He still seemed

distant and a bit cold, and started to think that he was going to leave

me

and that he had found someone else. I cried myself to sleep.

MAN'S DIARY:

Friday 18th November 2005

Keane Leaves United. Gutted. Got a shag though.

[Ozz]

One of your finest ever posts Dan.

[Dan Furness]

One of your finest ever posts Dan.

362979[/snapback]

I dont post many ha ha

[Paul]

Beautiful

[Dan Furness]

Which would u choose? Cake or bed?????

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,

“honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering

For weeks now”

He looks at her and says angrily;

“fix the light, now? Does it look like i have an electricians logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so!”

The wife asks,

“well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right.”

To which he replied,

“fix the fridge door? Does it look like i have hotpoint written on my forehead? I don't think so.”

Fine, she says,

“then you could at least fix the steps to the front door?” They're about to break.”

“I'm not a damn carpenter and i don't want to fix the steps”, he says. “does it look like I have Woodies DIY written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!! “

So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.

“honey”, he asks, “how'd all this get fixed?”

She said,

“well, when you left i sat outside and cried. just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all i had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake.”

He said,

“so what kind of cake did you bake him?”

She replied,

“hellooooo.......do you see Delia Smith written on my forehead? I don't think so!”

[Dan Furness]

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant,obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a

typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

"Top of the mornin' to yer, sir" says the attendant. Tiger nods a

quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does

so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

"What are dose?, asks the attendant.

"They're called tees" replies Tiger.

"Well, what on god's earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.

"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.

"Fookin Jaysus", says the Irishman, "BMW tinks of everyting!"

[bb3]

Bloke goes to the zoo

All the zoo had was a dog

It was a shitzu

[SouthAussieRover]

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate". The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's principal white flag manufacturing facility, effectively paralyzing their military.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. The Italians have increased their alert level from "Shouting Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing". Two more levels remain, "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".

The Germans also increased their alert state, from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs". They have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Seeing this reaction in continental Europe, the Americans have gone from "Isolationist" to "Find Somewhere Else in the Middle East Ripe for Regime Change". Their remaining, higher alert states are "Take on the World" and "Ask the British and Australians for Help".

Finally, in GB, they've gone from "Pretend Nothing's Happening" to "Make Another Cup of Tea". Their higher levels are "Remain Resolutely Cheerful" and "Win". In parliament today, the British attitude level was raised from "Miffed" to "Peeved". Soon though, it may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross". Londoners have not been at "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940,when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance". The last time the "A Bloody Nuisance" warning level was issued was during the Great Fire, in 1666.

It's the absolute limit. If these terrorist chaps have a grievance, why can't they just write an angry letter to the BBC!!

[SuperStella]

Q: How many Burnley fans does it take to change a light bulb?

A: It doesn't matter, they're all condemned to eternal darkness anyway.

[stegraham]

[adopted scouser]

Roy Keane

[den]

I've just deleted a few jokes that some people might deem tasteless.

[Paul]

Don't think I want to live opposite this house