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[Archived] Friday Funnies

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Blueboy Downunder Uefa Europa League

Blueboy Downunder

Posted
Posted

there are 5 stages of sex:

1) smurf sex - when you first meet, you'll shag till your both blue in the face laugh.gif

2) kitchen sex - when you've been together only a short while, you'll shag anywhere in the house laugh.gif

3) bedroom sex - sex is a routine and you'll only shag in bed on a very occasional night laugh.gif

4) hallway sex - you pass in the hallway and both say " (Please don't use that word again) you" laugh.gif

5) courtroom sex - wife takes you to court and screws you infront of 20 strangers laugh.gif

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cletus Champions League

cletus

Posted
Posted

Gary Glitter has said if he gets executed, he wants cremating & his ashes putting in an etch-a-sketch.....so the kids can still play with him.

unsure.gif

Cocker Champions League

Cocker

Posted
Posted

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Cilla said, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer. Let’s go back to my ouse, we could 'ave a lorra, lorra fun.

So they went back to her place. After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex". "But while I'm shleeping, hold my bawls in your left hand and ma wullie in your right hand".

Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says "Okay".

He sleeps for half an hour awakens, and they have even better sex than before.

Then Sean says, "Cilla that was wonderful. But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You'll have to.......

"I know Sean. Yer want me to 'old onto yer bat 'n balls again. No problem hun". Cilla complies with the routine. The results are absolutely mind blowing.

Once it's all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks "Sean, tell me, dis 'oldin yer balls in one hand and yer willie in de other - does it really stimulate yer dat much?"

.

Sean replies, "No, not at all Cilla, but the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet!"

whittle blue Premier League

whittle blue

Posted
Posted

At a wedding just outside Cavan in Ireland, things got out of control and eventually there was a big punch up between the two families.

The police were called and eventually all parties were summoned

to court a week later.

Tempers were still high but the judge managed to get some order. The court is eventually quiet and then Murphy stands up and says,

"Judge,I was the best man at the wedding and can explain what happened."

The judge asks Murphy to take the stand.

Murphy begins his explanation by saying that it is traditional in Cavan weddings for the best man to have the first dance with the bride.

"I am aware of that." says the judge.

"Well," said Murphy,"After I had finished the first dance, the music continued so we danced on.

And then the music continued into the third dance, so I continued dancing.

It was then when the groom jumped onto the floor and kicked the bride in the crotch."

"Aaargh," said the judge,"that must have hurt."

"Hurt!!!!?" said Murphy, "he broke three of my fingers."

fee League One

fee

Posted
Posted

Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree...

Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree met on a coach journey. It was

After Eight.

She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman's Friend. On

the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and had a

Wine Gum.

He asked her name. Polo, I'm the one with the hole, she said. I'm the one with the Nuts, he thought.

Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked into a hotel and went straight to the bedroom.

Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Decker. Then he showed her his Curly Wurly.

Ms Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.

It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie.

She wanted more but he decided to take Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising...So he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet and gave her a Gob Stopper.

Unfortunately Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms

Rowntree had been with All Sorts....

fee League One

fee

Posted
Posted

Paddy and Murphy were taking a ride in a helicopter when Paddy asks "Murphy, if dis ting turned completely over do you tink we would fall out?"

Murphy thought for a minute then replied, "Don't be daft Paddy, we'll always be friends"

colin Champions League

colin

Posted
Posted

Callum Best is set to inherit £2m from his father.

All he has to do is take the empties back.

SuperStella Premier League

SuperStella

Posted
Posted

Due to Manchester United's tragic exit from all European competitions this season, there is to be a minutes laughing at all Premiership games this weekend.

Nayef Premier League

Nayef

Posted
Posted
Due to Manchester United's tragic exit from all European competitions this season, there is to be a minutes laughing at all Premiership games this weekend.

365897[/snapback]

Never before have I laughed so much when reading a mere sentence on this mB. laugh.gif

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