[Archived] Friday Funnies

[Grabbi Graeme]

A man was taking his wife, who was pregnant with twins, to the hospital when his car went out of control and crashed. Upon regaining consciousness, he saw his brother, a relentless world-class practical joker, sitting at his bed side. He asked his brother how his wife was and his brother replied, "Don't worry, everybody is fine and you have a son and a daughter. But the hospital was in a real hurry to get the birth certificates filed and since both you and your wife were unconscious, I named them for you." The husband was thinking to himself, "Oh no, what has he done now?" and said with trepidation, "Well what did you name them?" The brother replied, "I named the little girl Denise." The husband, relieved, said, "That's a very pretty name! What did you come up with for my son?" The brother replied, "Denephew."

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift.She shook it, held it overhead, and said, " I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." " That's right the boy said, " but how did you know ? " "Oh, just a wild guess, " she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, " I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets. " " That's right, but how did you know ? " asked the girl. " Oh, just a wild guess, said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. " Is it wine ? " she asked. " No the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. " Is it champagne ? " she asked. " No, " the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, " I give up, what is it? With great glee, the boy replied, " It's a puppy! "

[colin]

One of the largest manufacturers of in-car satellite navigation systems has been forced to issue a recall for almost all of its products.

Users have discovered a fault in the software.........

(beleive me this works better spoken)

It tells them that Manchester is in Europe

[adopted scouser]

George Best was not cremated in Belfast.

Police have now admitted it was a mistake to try and cremate him in Hemel Hempstead on Sunday morning.

[Shaddy]

George Best was not cremated in Belfast.

Police have now admitted it was a mistake to try and cremate him in Hemel Hempstead on Sunday morning.

366905[/snapback]

tasteless... but funny all the same. Quick Nuclearsox... take a gander before it is removed

[Blue blood]

http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/

365687[/snapback]

9/10

[Cocker]

From 2004 but anyway - click

[Grabbi Graeme]

These are taken from actual cases in American courts.

Q: Are you sexually active?

A: No, I just lie there.

______________________________

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July 18th.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

_____________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at tall?

A: Yes.

Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

A: I forget.

Q: You forget? Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

_____________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

_____________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?

A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

Q: And why did that upset you?

A: My name is Susan.

______________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?

A: We both do.

Q: Voodoo?

A: We do.

Q: You do?

A: Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

A: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

___________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

_____________________________________

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

______________________________________

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

A: Yes.

Q: And what were you doing at that time?

______________________________________

Q: She had three children, right?

A: Yes.

Q: How many were boys?

A: None.

Q: Were there any girls?

______________________________________

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

A: By death.

Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________

Q: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

A: Oral.

______________________________________

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

______________________________________

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

______________________________________

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

_________________

[Flopsy]

They are still funny

Christmas Fun

might have sound

[Cocker]

controversial joke here:

A Somalian arrives in Leicester as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr.Englishman for letting me in this country!"

But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am a Pakistani".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by.

"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Britain!"

The person says "I no Blitish. I flom Hong Kong."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Britain!"

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Iran, I am not British!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you a British

citizen?"

She says, "No, I am from Rumania!"

So he is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the British?"

The Rumanian lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says...

"Probably at work."

[Cocker]

Little TONY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"

TONY says "Mas-tur-bate."

Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little TONY, that's a mouthful."

Little TONY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."

[Flopsy]

Look at the Headlines from Monday's Papers then look at the Express'

It's a day for headline-writers to sum up in the most dramatic and (Americanism coming up) impactful manner possible the Hemel Hempstead blaze, paying particular attention to the Armageddon-like qualities of the photographs.

DAY THE SKY TURNED BLACK - Daily Mail

EXODUS FROM THE CHOKING INFERNO - Daily Mail

Toxic cloud fear as oil blaze rages - Guardian

'It's like a vision of doomsday' - Telegraph

CLOUD OF DOOM - Mirror

'I just thought... It's the end of the world' - Mirror

BLACK SUNDAY - Sun

I WAS INSIDE HELL - Sun

Opec is confident oil will stay above $50 - FT

DIANA'S DEATH: POISON EXPERT CALLED IN - Express (Paper Monitor kids you not)

[Ozz]

Grabbi graeme-thank you, they were good.

[cletus]

***NEWSFLASH***

Gary Glitter has been admitted to the Betty Ford clinic, after owning up to a 12 year old crack habit.

[Crunching Tackler]

My gay friend is going to become a boxer.

He always was good inside the ring!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Nayef]

this is the last time I'm going to be checking this thread to relieve me of the boredom of the office.

[cletus]

this is the last time I'm going to be checking this thread to relieve me of the boredom of the office.

367743[/snapback]

Why`s that then?

[adopted scouser]

Why`s that then? 

367744[/snapback]

My gay friend is going to become a boxer.

He always was good inside the ring!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Crunching Tackler]

367756[/snapback]

something wrong with a bit of humour???

[Cocker]

How Karaoke Should Be Done

[Presty On Tour]

how can you spot the blind man at a nudist party???

its not hard!!!

[bazza]

http://www.malevole.com/mv/misc/killerquiz/

365687[/snapback]

Managed to get 9/10

Rovers need my sort of luck!

[adopted scouser]

Manchester United have allowed George Best's ashes to be scattered over the pitch at Old Trafford.

The groundsman's really chuffed.

Grass comes up half cut.

[MIROVER]

http://www.boreme.com/boreme/funny-2005/jo...eam-talk-p1.php

This is funny. Unearthed for xmas !! probably been on here before but still I enjoyed it !!!

[adopted scouser]

A charity pantomime in aid of paranoid schizophrenics descended into chaos yesterday when someone shouted 'He's behind you!'

[Nayef]

don't know why but I found this funny