4000 Holes

Financing Football the Waggott Way

Tuesday 18 January 2022
By ย 

THE SCENE IS THE ROVERS BOARDROOM. ROVERS CHIEF EXECUTIVE STEVE WAGGOTT IS WAITING IN THE OAK PANELLED ROOM, SAT AT AN ADMITTEDLY IMPRESSIVE TABLE, PLAQUES OF ALL THE OTHER FOOTBALL LEAGUE CLUBS ARE ON THE WALLS.

ALONGSIDE HIM, SURROUNDED BY PRINTOUTS OF CASH FLOW PROJECTIONS & A COPY OF โ€œPOWERPOINT FOR DUMMIESโ€ IS TRUSTY FINANCE DIRECTOR, MIKE CHESTON.

*Knock on the door*

SW: โ€œCome inโ€ฆ.โ€

Assistant: โ€œYour 10:30 appointment is here to see you Mr Waggottโ€ฆโ€

SW: โ€œAh yesโ€ฆshow him inโ€ฆโ€

Assistant: โ€œThis way Mr Vaderโ€ฆโ€

DV: (breathing heavily, places light sabre on adjacent chair. Two stormtroopers take up positions either side of the main door): โ€œWhy thank youโ€ฆโ€

Assistant: โ€œWould you like some refreshments Mr Vaderโ€ฆteaโ€ฆcoffeeโ€ฆwaterโ€ฆ?โ€

DV: โ€œWhy, a coffee would be lovely thank youโ€ฆโ€

Assistant: โ€œHow do you take it Mr Vader ?โ€

DV: โ€œStrong & blackโ€ฆlike my armour eh..? Hahahaโ€ฆโ€ (breathes heavily, chokes a little at his own jokeโ€ฆstormtroopers look on impassively)

Assistant: (nervously) โ€œHahaโ€ฆyesโ€ฆindeedโ€ฆโ€ (scurries away)

DV: โ€œOhโ€ฆand could I please have a straw, itโ€™s not easy to drink through thisโ€ฆwell yโ€™knowโ€ฆa straw helpsโ€ฆโ€

Assistant: โ€œIโ€™ll see what I can doโ€ฆbe right back..โ€

SW: โ€œDarthโ€ฆcome in, lovely to see you, take a seatโ€ฆalways keen to discuss mutually beneficial opportunities with local businessesโ€ฆโ€

DV: โ€œWell, Iโ€™m not EXACTLY localโ€ฆโ€

SW: โ€œOhโ€ฆyouโ€™re not from Burnley are you? I mean weโ€™re pretty tolerant of almost anything here so long as it brings in cold, hard cash, but there are boundaries, even for us (chuckles under breath, Cheston looks on surprised by the turn of events).

But Burnleyโ€ฆwell Iโ€™m not sure that even I could make that one fly if Iโ€™m being scrupulously honestโ€ฆunless they were outstandingโ€ฆโ€

(Cheston shuffles nervously in his seat)

DV: โ€œWell itโ€™s true that I am from the Dark Sideโ€ฆbut not the Longside (laughs a little, pauses, then realises that the joke has fallen flat). No, I am from a Galaxy Far, Far Awayโ€ฆโ€

SW: โ€œOhโ€ฆPreston then ? Well that shouldnโ€™t be a problemโ€ฆahโ€ฆhereโ€™s your coffeeโ€ฆโ€

Assistant: โ€œHere you go Mr Vaderโ€ฆand your strawโ€ฆHob Nob?โ€

DV: โ€œNo, itโ€™s just a handkerchief in my pocketโ€ฆoh I seeโ€ฆyes please, that would be (adopts Mr Burns voice) Excellentโ€ฆโ€ (laughs at his own impressionโ€ฆthe Stormtroopers wisely join in, albeit briefly).

SW: โ€œNow Mr Vaderโ€ฆmay I call you Darth ?โ€

DV: โ€œYes, thatโ€™s fineโ€ฆI donโ€™t like to stand on ceremony, except forโ€ฆno, letโ€™s not discuss that hereโ€ฆโ€

SW: โ€œDarthโ€ฆwe at Blackburn Rovers like to spare no effort in seeking out the next business partner to service our own plans for global expansion. Regrettably, these days we are somewhat restricted by regulations as to what we can advertise (looks wistfully at a framed photo of Alan Shearer in a Rovers โ€˜McEwans Lagerโ€™ shirt and sighsโ€ฆ), but we are working hard in the local community to explore options to grow our portfolio of wholly-appropriate, wholesome, family-friendly, youth-centric sponsorship partners and frankly your new business venture, with its aim to control the Galaxy, by any means fair or foul, at whatever cost seems to fit right in with our philosophy. We see a lot of potential for synergies hereโ€ฆโ€

(Mike Cheston opens up Excel spreadsheet with relish)

DV: โ€œItโ€™s that myโ€ฆshall we sayโ€ฆ โ€˜uniqueโ€™ approach to corporate governance has not always found favour. But my new PR people have said that I need to reinvent myself and create a more positive media profile before I launch โ€˜VaderdeathCorpโ€™ and so they suggested sponsoring a football teamโ€ฆ

Iโ€™m more of a rugby league man myselfโ€ฆall that aggression & violence out in the open, no diving, feigning injuryโ€ฆitโ€™s much more my kind of thing, but I am told that football is the business to be in and so here I amโ€ฆโ€

SW: โ€œFootball is indeed the growth sector isnโ€™t it Mike ?โ€

(Cheston pulls out a ninety-four page Powerpoint deck, full colour, double-sided print, spiral bound and passes copies to Waggott & Vader)

SW: โ€œWe can go through the numbers if you like but perhaps first, tell us a little more about your KPIs ?โ€

DV: โ€œTotal and utter subjugation of any planet, its satellites, its peoples, all life forms actuallyโ€ฆat pain of death and destructionโ€ฆwhether that is small or large scaleโ€ฆshirt sponsorship therefore seems a logical first step towards this ambition.

I did consider other avenuesโ€ฆin fact it was suggested by my PR agency that I might consider buying an actual football clubโ€ฆโ€

SW: โ€œI seeโ€ฆhave you passed the EFLโ€™s Fit & Proper Persons Test ?โ€

DV: (laughs uproariously) โ€œBut of courseโ€ฆโ€

*All laughโ€ฆMike Cheston minimises Excel, Vader picks up a Hob Nob menacingly and crushes it into dust onto the boardroom table* 


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