THE SCENE IS THE ROVERS BOARDROOM. ROVERS CHIEF EXECUTIVE STEVE WAGGOTT IS WAITING IN THE OAK PANELLED ROOM, SAT AT AN ADMITTEDLY IMPRESSIVE TABLE, PLAQUES OF ALL THE OTHER FOOTBALL LEAGUE CLUBS ARE ON THE WALLS.
ALONGSIDE HIM, SURROUNDED BY PRINTOUTS OF CASH FLOW PROJECTIONS & A COPY OF โPOWERPOINT FOR DUMMIESโ IS TRUSTY FINANCE DIRECTOR, MIKE CHESTON.
*Knock on the door*
SW: โCome inโฆ.โ
Assistant: โYour 10:30 appointment is here to see you Mr Waggottโฆโ
SW: โAh yesโฆshow him inโฆโ
Assistant: โThis way Mr Vaderโฆโ
DV: (breathing heavily, places light sabre on adjacent chair. Two stormtroopers take up positions either side of the main door): โWhy thank youโฆโ
Assistant: โWould you like some refreshments Mr Vaderโฆteaโฆcoffeeโฆwaterโฆ?โ
DV: โWhy, a coffee would be lovely thank youโฆโ
Assistant: โHow do you take it Mr Vader ?โ
DV: โStrong & blackโฆlike my armour eh..? Hahahaโฆโ (breathes heavily, chokes a little at his own jokeโฆstormtroopers look on impassively)
Assistant: (nervously) โHahaโฆyesโฆindeedโฆโ (scurries away)
DV: โOhโฆand could I please have a straw, itโs not easy to drink through thisโฆwell yโknowโฆa straw helpsโฆโ
Assistant: โIโll see what I can doโฆbe right back..โ
SW: โDarthโฆcome in, lovely to see you, take a seatโฆalways keen to discuss mutually beneficial opportunities with local businessesโฆโ
DV: โWell, Iโm not EXACTLY localโฆโ
SW: โOhโฆyouโre not from Burnley are you? I mean weโre pretty tolerant of almost anything here so long as it brings in cold, hard cash, but there are boundaries, even for us (chuckles under breath, Cheston looks on surprised by the turn of events).
But Burnleyโฆwell Iโm not sure that even I could make that one fly if Iโm being scrupulously honestโฆunless they were outstandingโฆโ
(Cheston shuffles nervously in his seat)
DV: โWell itโs true that I am from the Dark Sideโฆbut not the Longside (laughs a little, pauses, then realises that the joke has fallen flat). No, I am from a Galaxy Far, Far Awayโฆโ
SW: โOhโฆPreston then ? Well that shouldnโt be a problemโฆahโฆhereโs your coffeeโฆโ
Assistant: โHere you go Mr Vaderโฆand your strawโฆHob Nob?โ
DV: โNo, itโs just a handkerchief in my pocketโฆoh I seeโฆyes please, that would be (adopts Mr Burns voice) Excellentโฆโ (laughs at his own impressionโฆthe Stormtroopers wisely join in, albeit briefly).
SW: โNow Mr Vaderโฆmay I call you Darth ?โ
DV: โYes, thatโs fineโฆI donโt like to stand on ceremony, except forโฆno, letโs not discuss that hereโฆโ
SW: โDarthโฆwe at Blackburn Rovers like to spare no effort in seeking out the next business partner to service our own plans for global expansion. Regrettably, these days we are somewhat restricted by regulations as to what we can advertise (looks wistfully at a framed photo of Alan Shearer in a Rovers โMcEwans Lagerโ shirt and sighsโฆ), but we are working hard in the local community to explore options to grow our portfolio of wholly-appropriate, wholesome, family-friendly, youth-centric sponsorship partners and frankly your new business venture, with its aim to control the Galaxy, by any means fair or foul, at whatever cost seems to fit right in with our philosophy. We see a lot of potential for synergies hereโฆโ
(Mike Cheston opens up Excel spreadsheet with relish)
DV: โItโs that myโฆshall we sayโฆ โuniqueโ approach to corporate governance has not always found favour. But my new PR people have said that I need to reinvent myself and create a more positive media profile before I launch โVaderdeathCorpโ and so they suggested sponsoring a football teamโฆ
Iโm more of a rugby league man myselfโฆall that aggression & violence out in the open, no diving, feigning injuryโฆitโs much more my kind of thing, but I am told that football is the business to be in and so here I amโฆโ
SW: โFootball is indeed the growth sector isnโt it Mike ?โ
(Cheston pulls out a ninety-four page Powerpoint deck, full colour, double-sided print, spiral bound and passes copies to Waggott & Vader)
SW: โWe can go through the numbers if you like but perhaps first, tell us a little more about your KPIs ?โ
DV: โTotal and utter subjugation of any planet, its satellites, its peoples, all life forms actuallyโฆat pain of death and destructionโฆwhether that is small or large scaleโฆshirt sponsorship therefore seems a logical first step towards this ambition.
I did consider other avenuesโฆin fact it was suggested by my PR agency that I might consider buying an actual football clubโฆโ
SW: โI seeโฆhave you passed the EFLโs Fit & Proper Persons Test ?โ
DV: (laughs uproariously) โBut of courseโฆโ
*All laughโฆMike Cheston minimises Excel, Vader picks up a Hob Nob menacingly and crushes it into dust onto the boardroom table*